Summer Blockbusters: 2015 Edition

jurassic world

By Anne Perry

Posted on April 16, 2015 in Film with tags Jurassic Park, Marvel

Avengers: Age of Ultron comes out on 23 April, officially ushering in Summer Blockbuster Season. We love summer blockbusters around here, so we’ve decided to highlight a few we’re excited about. What’d we miss?

Avengers: Age of Ultron

Avengers was the biggest blockbuster in recent memory and made all us early Joss Whedon-loving Buffy fans feel very smug about our life choices. Its sequel, which will have to incorporate – or at least take into account – the events that occurred in Iron Man 3 (aka The One where Tony Stark has PTSD), Thor 2 (aka The One where Loki has PTSD) and Captain America 2 (aka The One where Bucky Barnes has serious PTSD, liek zomg). Also maybe stuff from Guardians of the Galaxy and Agents of SHIELD, like the Kree? Probably not Agent Carter or Daredevil, though. Age of Ultron will also feature James Spader as a giant angry robot with a Pinocchio complex (your guess is as good as ours), Hawkeye with a new, dumb costume and … some third thing. Probably a lot of explosions and a good dose of feels.

Blockbuster rating: seventeen dodos with weaponized armour.

Release date: April 23rd

 

Mad Max: Fury Road

Everyone was like, ‘why are they remaking Mad Max‘? because Mad Max may have been a big deal 30 years ago, but that was like decades ago. Has anyone actually given Mad Max a second thought since 1996? Or has the film been in development hell since Clinton was in office? And then they released the trailer and we all bought our tickets, because that is some stellar trailer work, for serious.

Blockbuster rating: 57 post-apocalyptic dodos, and they’re all mad. Mad!

Release date: May 14th

 

Pitch Perfect 2

Pitch Perfect took us all by surprise when it – a movie about competitive college a cappella – was actually totally great. Let me say that again: Pitch Perfect, a movie about competitive college a cappella, is actually pretty great. JUST LET THAT SINK IN FOR A MINUTE. Done? Great! Pitch Perfect 2 features more competitive a cappella, more Anna Kendrick (you should follow her on Twitter; she’s hilarious) and, uh, probably another story about being true to yourself and also being great at singing, or something. We’ll learn, we’ll grow, and we still won’t call things aca-anything because, honestly, the movie may be great but that’s still a stretch. We’re adults, after all. Actually, we’re really old adults who quote Heathers endlessly, so what do we know? Aca-carry on, Wayne. Aca-carry on, Garth.

Blockbuster rating: however many dodos make up a competitive a capella group, that’s how many.

Release date: May 15th

 

Tomorrowland

We are excited about Tomorrowland because it’s a film by Brad Bird, aka the guy behind The Incredibles, Ratatouille, The Last Good Mission Impossible Film, and Family Dog. Oh, and also The Iron Giant, which is one of the greatest under-appreciated animated films ever. Basically, we trust Brad Bird.

Blockbuster rating: We’d like Brad Bird even better if he’d change his name to Brad Dodo. Just sayin’.

Release date: May 22nd

 

Poltergeist

Yes, yes, insert tired complaint about how all blockbusters are remakes or re-imaginings of old properties, etc etc etc. This remake stars Sam Rockwell, who we love becasue we’re contrary. Poltergeist was apparently really creepy back when we were kids and not allowed to watch it, so we’re going to go see the remake because you’re not the boss of us anymore, mom.

Blockbuster rating: four 16-year-old dodos who really want to borrow the car this weekend.

Release date: May 22nd

 

Jurassic World*

Speaking of things that have been in development hell since Clinton was in office: Jurassic Park was my generation’s Star Wars. Jurassic Park 2 was my generation’s Heaven’s Gate. Jurassic Park 3 was that one that we all kind of liked because of the pteranodons, but also there was that thing with the 3d printed velociraptor vocal cords, or whatever, and that was ridiculous, though props to whoever deserves it for anticipating 3d printing back in 2001. (When Clinton was in office.) WHATEVER the point is that this is Jurassic Park with CHRIS PRATT as a VELOCIRAPTOR WRANGLER and there is a GIANT SUPERDINOSAUR and it’s going to EAT EVERYONE and we can’t wait. Seriously. The theme music is giving us chills as we write this.

* bonus points for being a new film in a franchise everyone at Hodderscape Towers is obsessed with.

Blockbuster rating: ONE GIANT MEGASUPERDODO.

Release date: June 12th

 

 

Terminator Genisys

Why do they keep making Terminator films? Well, whatever; this one has the Mother of Dragons in it as the Mother of John Connor, and looking-kinda-worn-down-these-days Arnie as the Terminator again (surely he has something better to do?) and also JK Simmons, whom we’d watch read a phone book in his sleep except that’s creepy, and a lot of other people we like, even though we’re old and we really think we’d be better off just rewatching the first Terminator again, because damn, that movie really holds up well and wow, Michael Biehn’s Kyle Reese has serious PTSD, because serious PTSD is a running theme in summer blockbusters, apparently.

Blockbuster rating: one cyborg dodo caught in an endless time-travelling loop.

Release date: July 3rd

 

Ant-Man

Speculation has run rampant since Ant-Man was announced as an MCU project – why does Ant-Man get a movie before Black Widow, some of us may have wondered at high volume, because what does it take already, right? – but we all breathed a sigh of relief when Edgar Wright was announced to direct the project. After all, Scott Pilgrim versus the World is one of the best comic book adaptations out there. And, hey, that film featured Chris Evans playing against type as an evil ex, so that’s awesome; maybe there’s hope! Then speculation reared its ugly head again when Edgar Wright left Ant-Man. Then speculation started to really worry, as summer blockbuster season drew closer and closer and Ant-Man didn’t even have a trailer yet. Until Marvel released an ant-sized trailer, to which speculation had to tip its hat. But then speculation grew concerned again, as no more trailers seemed forthcoming. Until a couple of days ago, that is, when a proper trailer was finally released and speculation was able to reassure itself that Paul Rudd is still pretty crushable.

Blockbuster rating: a trail of tiny, super-strong dodos.

Release date: July 17th

 

Pan

A Peter Pan prequel, of sorts, by the director of Pride & Prejudice, starring Hugh Jackman as Blackbeard the pirate. There had better be some singing and dancing, is all we’re saying. Sadly, Hook from Once Upon a Time does not appear in this movie.

Blockbuster rating: a troop of dodos who will never grow up.

Release date: July 17th

 

 

The Vatican Tapes

Something something exorcism something. This film will reveal the Devil’s Plan, the copy online promises us! We’re very excited. We expect the Devil’s plan includes letter-pressed invitations and baked goods. Or perhaps we’re thinking about the Devil’s wedding plan. That would be great. Cakes. Registries. Bridezillas. We can’t wait!

Blockbuster rating: two very confused dodos out on a date.

Release date: There’s no confirmed UK release date! The plan is already unravelling…

 

Comments

One comment on “Summer Blockbusters: 2015 Edition”

  • Philip Higgins says:

    More retreads of tired franchises, as corporate Hollywood carries on flogging a dead dodo. Hang on though, did you say GIANT SUPER DINOSAURS, time-travelling killer cyborgs, post-apocalyptic stock car racing? Count me in! Originality’s over-rated anyway.

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