23 Reasons Jupiter Ascending is THE BEST
By Anne Perry
Posted on December 23, 2015 in Film, Hodderscape Advent with tags Film, Science Fiction
Jurassic World had Blue the Raptor. Ant Man had a tiny Paul Rudd. Pitch Perfect 2 had singing. Mad Max had all the awesome. But they pale in comparison to 2015’s very best movie, Jupiter Ascending. Here are 27 reasons why Jupiter Ascending is seriously, honestly, the very best thing ever committed to celluloid, in this year and in all other years.
- It’s a movie about a space princess named Jupiter Jones
- who’s the reincarnation of the mother of a race of space emperors
- and they all want to marry her
- or kill her
- or both
- meanwhile, she falls in love with a half-dog/half-man supersoldier
- named ‘Caine Wise’
- because of course he is
- and she can control bees
- (also Sean Bean is a bee-man named Stinger
- who lives on Earth with his… daughter? in a house filled with bees?)
- The plot is, like, about how the space emperors
- harvest human beings
- to make themselves immortal
- and Jupiter has to defeat them to save the Earth.
- There are space roller-blades
- and space flying-dragon baddies
- and some really staggering gowns
- and jokes about paperwork and queues
- (right in the middle of the film, which makes no sense at all).
- Eddie Redmayne did this —->
- and somehow still won an Oscar.
- They did this to Channing Tatum – BUT WAIT THERE’S MORE
- There was a joke about a maxi pad
- and there were GIANT HUMONGOUS EXPLOSIONS ALL OVER EVERYWHERE KAPLOOWIE
- and in the end space princess Jupiter Jones space roller-bladed off into the sunset with her supersoldier dog-man boyfriend WHO ALSO HAS WINGS.
- BEST. MOVIE. EVER.